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It is yellow–yes, bright yellow, because that’s my favorite color—and I would be driving it, of course, because I know where I am going. The top is down on the sunniest of days, and I am wearing a dress, a scarf, sunglasses, and the basket and the bag and the towels wait patiently in the back seat. These things take time, after all.
I take the long route. It drives you crazy, I know, but it is all worth it, this journey. I love to watch the scenery, to feel the wind and the sun and your hand absentmindedly grazing my shoulder, finding a curl that escaped protection, now twirled gently around your fingers, now pulled, a little less gently. We will be there soon.
Summer will come, I am convinced, despite these cool evenings and rainy days. Summer will come, and we’ll find a place to park. We’ll open the doors and run, run, through rocks and sand and water and sun and laughter and the calm that waves bring us. We’ll find it: we’ll find June.
Autumn breezes push their way into evenings and mornings now, even when summer still claims the day. Night pops up a little more easily, granting us one last moment to rest while we enjoy what is left of the season.
Under stars early last night, I wandered out barefoot for some forgotten thing, a word, a song left on the passenger seat. The streets were busy, walkers dashing between car lights and street lamps, kids on bikes for one last ride, and the sidewalk still warm, holding tight to the sun. There is still time for porches and balconies, children and trees, flowers and sun and beaches and love. There is still time for time itself.
Last night, walking at night in flip flops, I realized that the breeze felt … not harsh. Delicious. Summer really is here.
I love summer, but for the shuffle. It would be a wonderful season, were it not for the stress of what to do with children who are no longer occupied throughout the school day. With even the once-affordable YMCA camp topping $400 for two weeks of 9-3 fun for just one child, the options for sending the kids off somewhere for the day dwindle quickly.
So, when a meeting at work Friday required my presence, and I found myself stuck without a babysitter, I told the girls to get dressed, made a couple of phone calls, and headed toward my place of employment.
We dragged in a gigantic box full of art supplies, friendship bracelets in the works, a few snacks. The only thing lacking, as far as I knew, was space. Fortunately, a person in the organization that cohabits our building was out for the day, and the girls quickly set up shop in her office.
My boss walked in to see the kids, and was surprisingly ecstatic. His mantra since I started has been, “We are a human service organization,” and true to form, he set them up on his computer while we had our staff meeting. “You think this bothers me?” he asked, as he went on to tell me about his past experiences with children in the workplace.
The girls were real troupers throughout the morning, stayed relatively quiet as they romped around next door to the executive director of the neighboring organization. But around noon, all art projects were officially boring. Next time we’ll bring more to do, maybe find them work to do as they have for me in the past, assembling packets and mailings.
Maybe this all really will work out. I am looking for babysitters, but in the meanwhile, the best I can do is to work partly from home and fit the kids into my whole life—not just the non-professional parts. Who knows? They may even learn something.
Last year, in the throes of childcare inadequacies, a long commute, and impossible transportation costs, I figured out that I was spending more than I was making. I quit. Driving home from the big city in tears at my frustration over the whole situation, I wondered—as I wonder now—why do we do this? Why can we as a nation not figure out a way for families to be a part of our lives instead of a major inconvenience to the work week? Why can schools not be more understanding and accommodating to the needs of parents who have bills to pay, just as teachers do (but on an entirely different schedule)? Why do we have to spend so much money for otherwise unneeded things, just to keep the businesses running? The entire system just seems doomed from the start.
I have agonized over the coming of summer for weeks now. I do not want to lose my job. Summer is here, and I realized last night that I am glad it is warm, glad my kids are home, glad for the beach, and glad for my job, too. And about that… after all that worried me about my impromptu “take the kids to work day”…
After all my fretting, the thing that surprised me the most was that no one really seemed to mind. I worked, accomplished things. I calmed down, at least a little. When I really believe that for once I will not be admonished for having children but not the money to get rid of them, I will calm down a lot.
I am glad the kids can see the work I do, and even more, I am glad that they can see that they are not excluded from it.
I would be the first to admit that the chaos of my life sometimes requires an intervention. I can see where this chaos does not always fit the workday. It upsets those who have chosen to avoid such disruptions in their life, and some might argue that attending to children’s needs is not appropriate while trying to do another job. Sometimes I argue this point quite emphatically to my own children, particularly when I am on the telephone, and it is important, or enjoyable, and I want for them to get their own snack. Sometimes I feel my children are inappropriate, too. Still, tomorrow is Monday, and now, at 1:15 pm on Sunday, I still have not found a babysitter. So, working from home, maybe going in for a half hour to pick up papers and check in while kids wait, I can manage just that right now. And despite the interruptions, I have always managed to do a lot.
Some are restricted simply by the capacity to get to an office, to stay for eight hours away from home. Some have so much to offer to the world, if not for being locked away because they do not fit into the rules of the workplace. Some of us in this situation can do a lot, contribute a lot. Our lives are chaotic; the world is chaotic, and an efficient life simply cannot ignore this fact forever. Instead, imagine that we embrace that chaos, let it in. Maybe it is not as unworkable as we think.
Yesterday was Bloomsday. I remember my first attempt at reading Ulysses, carrying the book like a schoolgirl, close, and trying to hold onto the wildly accumulating words long enough for my brain to grasp some meaning in them. It was a long process for me, one that took place over years, not months. So, I recognized the words with sadness as Garrison Keillor read that passage yesterday on NPR’s Writer’s Almanac. He read, just before 9am, my coffee in the cup holder, while I was on my way to work.
No, no: these words are not for busy mornings. The inappropriateness is not so much that they are wonderful, gushing words, but they are the last of them in that novel. Their images, so full and inviting, made me long yesterday. For what? Damn. I had just fixed my face, just got ready. Damn bleary eyes. I hate these endings, knowing that words you read for the first time will never come back again in the same way, knowing that the next book will not be as satisfying, and with a long, difficult book, I hate leaving it after all that. Well…
It is also that time of year, when school ends with a flurry–no, a blizzard–of activity, with too much to do, far too much to do. And everyone else is rushing, too, just to make it to that end.
I always hate the end, hate the goodbyes, hate the disruption, the worries of how to manage time, manage children, how I can work and make things work. I hate not seeing the people who make life work for us, with us, during the rest of the year. I miss them. I miss the familiarity of the year, the schedule, the routine, and the surprises tucked beneath it all. It abruptly stops.
I wonder what this end will mean this year. It has been a year full of change already, and letting go of yet more feels so unwieldy. I wonder what will happen. I wonder…
And yet, this year, I want change.
It became all too apparent during the last week that life as I know it now is not the life I want to lead. I worked hard, which usually feels good. But this time, work seemed more of an escape than an accomplishment; too much to do felt like an excuse. Maybe days were too long, too little time spent with the things and the people that mean the most to me. I came out of it all feeling that the sacrifice was not a means to a better end for all of us. Money in the bank, eventually, perhaps, but at what cost?
The work is good, in theory–in practice, too, for the most part. I believe in it, and wish to do more in my role there, to make a difference. Maybe we all do. We all tend to wonder in frustrating moments where that fulfilling life is. It has long been my stoic family’s way to chastise dreamchasers… and yet, the absence of meaning has nearly destroyed me at times. So, when my coworker suggested that I may need to cut back hours this summer, or figure out ways to work from home more, I was surprised. There is always too much to do in the office. But then there is life, too.
Hearing those words from Ulysses, too, I realize that the sadness came from the overflowing sensuality that I long for, if only just a little. I long not for all of it, not for “the queer little streets and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the rose gardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar”, but I do crave the yes.
Oh, yes, this year has felt like such a year of no. I find myself clinging to endings, but now letting go, releasing the pain and frustrations, at least just a bit. Yes, I maybe do want pink and blue and yellow houses, and gardens, and yes, maybe I do want even more than I let myself wish for. Oh yes! I do crave the yes.
It’s the end of July. Hard to believe. I slept very little last night, thinking, and took a drive this afternoon so I could try not to. A tree on the north side of town had given in to the tinges of red and yellow, and the air had that feeling of letting go.
Right now, at 8:30, it is already dark. I hear my kids upstairs, reluctant to go to bed, but soon, they’ll give in to sleep, as well. It is still warm outside. The sun blazed through the day, leaving bronzed, happy campers for me. The air conditioning is still running a little. But summer is getting tired.
Crow’s feet and laugh lines mark my face, remembering joy, remembering more sweet than the joy itself, I do believe. It is bittersweet, thinking of spring’s promise, dreams, wonders. I love this, love this time when summer is quiet. The fireworks have dwindled, the swimsuits faded, the glories exhausted. It is time for August.
When I was younger, I used to swim laps. I still like to. I rode my bike every night to the pool, an hour before it closed at 8:00. In early summer, I always hit all sorts of younger kids dodging through the lap lane. By August, they were mostly gone. The pool was mostly empty, in fact, save another addicted swimmer or two and a lifeguard. Back and forth, I used to swim that hour before they blew the whistle. Back and forth, I hit the rhythm that took me to another world. Back and forth, summer slipped by. The whistle blew, and I used to pull off my goggles to see the orange sun low in the west. I got on my bike and rode the same streets home, through the football field parking lot, to the street that jogged before Chestnut, to Selma, then Florence, Edgar Road and up the hill to home. It was almost dark by then, and I used to have ice cream sometimes, read, write, dream. Nothing could bother me there, in the water-induced peace I had found, looking out the window at the stars, listening to the radio, and figuring out who I might become someday.
Tomorrow is August, the beginning of the end of summer. The best time. The time we remember our real lives, left hanging through the never-ending days of June and July. We remember, but we do not retrieve those lives completely… not quite yet. Farmers markets. The people we love. Practices, but no games yet. Coming home. Plans for the future, but the date book is hardly filled. Another dive off the deck, more cherished because it is nearly the last.
Tomorrow is August. Savor it.
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Now playing: Bebel Gilberto – August Day Song
via FoxyTunes
